Regeneration

What a funny day, in a weird as well as mildly comical sense.

I am a rather quiet chap. I am considered (I hope) to be gentle, considerate and maybe slightly too diffident. The last few weeks have seen some changes in me. After 18 months of prolonged and extreme stress relief has finally come. You can read about that in my other recent postings to this blog.

Do you ever feel you are acting out a scene from some science fiction play, book or movie  Life, at the moment, seems a bit like that.

I am rediscovering things I used to know about myself all the time. Today I nearly lost my temper. Instead I 'threw it away' rather than losing it. I redirected sudden rushes of adrenaline triggered by some trivial and infinitely forgettable event in my daily life. I did not get stressed. The old fight or flight reaction set in and I chose to defend myself. I think that is a good sign.

So massive bursts of energy and a changing personality. Its a bit like David Tennet morphing into Matt Smith. I wish I was as good looking as either of those chaps.

Just to re-assure any of you who are beginning to worry. I am not a alien from Galifrey. Just a normal bloke, reacting in a normal way to circumstances thrown in my direction. Things will settle down.

But I will never be the same again.

Those special words.

I spent my lunch hour staring out across the snowfields that circle the place where I work. My employer's premises are a converted farm. It is a gorgeous place to work. I enjoy my time there.

So much time is spent doing things we hate. As humans we have an inbuilt instinct to survive and sometimes that is all we can mange to do. Life is about more than survival.

2012 was a hard year for me.

Cancer is a difficult subject. When someone close to you contracts this cruel disease life goes on hold. Last year I struggled to survive.

With both my parents seriously ill it seemed an indulgence to continue on as normal, as if anything could be normal again. I had to keep working. I had to pay the mortgage. Food had to be bought. The tax man knew nothing about my pain.

My writing suffered. Quite rightly. Very few words emerged onto the hard disk of my computer. The ones that did were special. I will remember the few occasions I dared to write that year all my life. Light in the darkness.

Mum and Dad got better. Their illnesses were treated. I recovered form the onslaught of stress. I am still recovering if truth be told.

I love my art. My life is good once more. I hope that last year's battles have made me stronger and a better person. I know they have made me a better writer.

If things are dark keep going. Every human has a immense reservoir of strength just waiting to be tapped. Do not give up. Stress and pain are part of life but they are not its sum total.

And keep writing.

Waiting for the morning.

The sun has yet to come up as I write these words. I am wondering what today has in store. I do not watch the news on television these days so I have no idea if anything terrible is happening over which I have absolutely no influence. Maybe that is good thing? I am not too sure if ignorance is ever good.

I absorb too much. That is why I shut myself away sometimes. I like to analysis my thoughts. Understand why I react to specific triggers. I am super sensitive to other peoples emotional bad (and good) habits. Some people think that makes me 'anti-social.' I know it is why I am a writer.

But I love being with people. 'People Watching.' I like meeting new and old friends. I love and care about 'society' That is why I write. I want to do something meaningful with my life and as I have hinted at in previous posts I want my work to help others.

Frustration with a dark world driven mad by the policies of cynical men and woman should not stop anyone from hoping (and working towards) something better.

I may test software.  That is how I pay the mortgage. I dream of being able to change things. Building something greater with like minded people. I used to do 'Politics'. I used to watch the news. Now I wait and wonder what the day brings.

Thoughts on a winter evening

It has been snowing in the west country of England where I have my home. I know other parts of the world face much greater challenges with the weather but give us a couple of snowflakes and the whole fabric of the United Kingdom seizes up. It is traditional.

The cold weather has given me the chance to think. For a writer this should be a good thing and largely this has proved to be true. I have had plenty of ideas for stories and characters to fill up more of the available space in my various notepads. More importantly I have found the opportunity to reflect on where I am going as a person.

I work in software. I am good at what I do. I am glad to be in work in this time of economic trial so I will not start complaining. I love my job.

But there has to be something more.

I dream of earning a living by writing. This is selfish. It is an indulgence. My parents are poorly. There are homeless people living on the streets of my home town. There is so much hopeless in the world in which I live and all I want to do is tell fairy stories and imaginary friends. Dragons and rocket ships don't feed the hungry. They don't warm cold houses or find work for the jobless.

Creative writing is a distraction? A waste of time. Non-productive maybe?

Maybe not.

Stories shape our lives. Every human society that exists or has ever existed has been driven by the power of the story. Physicists talk about referential models of reality. We understand our world by constructing partial theories, images and imaginative concepts. We tell stories. A single story has the power to change the world.

I want to spend my time on this gorgeous planet of ours by telling stories that matter. This may mean I have to learn to write something that matters not just to myself. I need to expand my horizons and share my dreams. My dreams are pretty good by the way.

Do not waste your life. Start writing.

The words will wait.

This is my first post of the year.

2013 is when I hope to release my first major e-book. I have been working for the last three years on a short novel or novella which I am calling 'Children of the Storm.' It has been a frustration time in which I have struggled to progress beyond the first draft. Life got in the way. I had hoped to publish the completed work in the autumn of 2011. My mother became unwell and my plans, quite rightly, were put on one side.

2012 came and went. Still no progress. My mother recovered towards the end of last year. Life re-started.

The time that the manuscript has spent on the shelf has been useful. I have re-discovered the characters that drive the story forward. I have adapted to new methods of creating outlines and I have developed the back story for the fantasy universe in which the book will be placed.

I am a firm believer that nothing in life is wasted. Writers need to draw on many different kinds of experiences to develop compelling stories. The struggle of 2012 will lead, I hope, to a productive and successful 2013.

My advice to anyone torn between the pressure to complete their life's work and the enviable demand of life outside of fiction is to be realistic. Writing is fantastic lifestyle. It is rewarding on a spiritual level. There are, however, more important considerations that sometimes arise. I speak from experience. Look after your health and the ones you love. The words will wait.

So have a happy and rewarding new year. If you are planning to publish this year then I wish you the best of luck. My words have waited for me for a long time but now I am giving them the attention they deserve.

Until next time.